In My Head...

In my Student Development class, we are watching/reading Tuesdays With Morrie. I don't know who all has read that book but, it is quite good. As we watch the movie, however, it really makes you think. The book is good for mulling over ideas and thoughts. But, the movie really brings it home.

I have been thinking a lot about death lately. I have met a couple of people this semester who all look(ed) at death differently than I do. And I think that's special. Or necessary better yet. I think our difference in ideas and perception is what makes us friends. We don't think the same, feel the same or react the same but we are all children of God and therefore we all have something in common.

Death is weird. It is permanent. It is unavoidable. And it is scary. We fear death almost as much as we fear living. I think back on my life so far and I am content. I am for the most part proud or accepting of the decisions I've made. In the book/movie the character Morrie (who has lived a long life and is now slowly dying) says "You have to learn to die, to learn how to live."

Sadly, my life is far from a movie. I yearn for experiences like Mitch Albom had. To talk with such inspiring people that you make a change in the way you live. And then I think. As a member of this church, we are blessed with such experiences. We have such individuals who speak to us two times a year. Who take the time to teach us life lessons. I will be honest. I am not always the best listener. I am not always the best applier. But, I want to change. I think a lot lately about who I am becoming. The standards I have and the way in which I uphold them. Like everyone, I have moments of disappointment and moments where I have to pat myself on the back.

I am different than the 30,000 students around me. I am not the same as them. My grades are not like theirs. My family is not like theirs. My background, future and present is not anything like theirs. But, I am living my life in a way that is similar to theirs.

There is something unique about college students who won't drink. Who won't have pre-marital sex. Who won't go do drugs, watch porn, swear or cheat. They are unique. They are different. And yet, we are the same. I am not one to say that the people here at BYU all comply to every single rule. But, I can proudly say that the people I hang out with aren't like other college students. We don't spend our time doing things we won't remember the next day. Instead we do activities that create a bond between us. That make us closer. And we take clear pictures that aren't filled with little red cups, or bloodshot eyes, that are filled with smiles, crazy boys and weird poses. And then without fear of getting in trouble with parents or the law we post them online. And we remember.

And then the boys leave. They go on to serve the Lord. They dedicate two years of their life to our church. To what they believe. Whether or not they believe 10% or 100% they are there because they know. And the girls in the crazy freshman college pictures with them... support them. And for reasons that go beyond a blurred picture, a fuzzy memory or a foggy recollection of Friday nights they are proud. Because, they know that they played a part, how ever small, to get them where they need to be.

And then, for the girls, it all starts over. The girls start their second year of college. And are challenged to find the same types of good friends they found before. Only, this time they are older. They are returned from those missions that other parents, leaders and friend prepare those boys for. And life goes on.

Being at school has created a barrier between me and North Carolina. I do not live there anymore. There also is a barrier to my family and reality. I don't see my brothers play basketball or my sit and talk with my parents whenever I want. Only, how many games did I go to before. And how many Sunday afternoons were spent working on something else instead of with the people I love.

When I watch Morrie struggle with his health in the movie, I think of my Aunt Dell. I think of how I don't know that I have truly grieved or that the fact that she has gone as truly settled in. I think about her and her life daily. I am reminded of her by the Tabernacle Choir, by the campus I walk on, by the fact that Will lives in DC home to the FBI, that I love to call and talk to her sister, when I look at Chase and memories of her house flood into my mind and when I really think about life after this and try to imagine what she is doing there.

I feel her presence in my life sometimes. Not in the creepy way that people say they see ghosts or dead people. Just more of a feeling of acceptance, love and pride. I am saddened by the fact that I was not there to say the final goodbye to someone who meant so much to me in my life. But, I am comforted that we, as a family, took one last chance to go and see her. To see a woman far greater than I am right now. I see a lot of the things that happened to her body, happening to Morrie's and the whole movie was entirely too hard for me to watch. I don't mind crying just not at school. And every time we watched the movie I was at war with my tears. I love her and miss her terribly. 

But, Morrie says something quite profound about love. He says that "we must learn to love or die." At first I didn't quite understand what he meant because we are going to die anyways. Everyone dies. It's a sad fact of life. Death is a punishment we are all subject to, just as living a life is one we all receive. Our life and death vary from person to person, but everyone is given some sort of experience. Whether it is 5 seconds or 500 years, is where it differs. 

We must learn to love or die. Because as Morrie said "death ends life, not relationships."

Finally, in class our teacher put up the quote:

"We are by virtue, our relationships with others. We learn to speak by being spoken to, and we speak because others listen."

I took that from class and carried it with me throughout the day. I thought about it and what it really meant to me. I think that the quote only reiterates that we are what others make us. Not that we don't have a choice, but that we are a product that we ourselves did not create. We are not alone in our life. We could not make it in this world without other people around us. Every word that is spoken to, about or by us make us into who we are. Other people shape what we think are OUR own thoughts, opinions and insights. To be alone in this world, is to be dead. And to love and learn to love those around us is what gives our life purpose and the essence of what it truly means to live. We ARE our relationships with others. For good or for bad. 

In general conference Elder Scott talked about his wife's death. I was inspired when he talked about how much closer her felt to his wife since her passing. That their relationship had not changed. But, instead that it had grown. That he still relied on her. I hope that one day my family/friends will be able to talk about me like that.

I am not ready to move on. I am not ready to make all new friends. I am not ready to go back to the humid state of NC. I am not ready to lose friends. And I will never be ready to lose family. 

However, I know that I am who I am because of what I've been taught and been given. I am ready to go home and to see family. I am ready to make new friends and continue to have experiences and grow and to learn. And I am ready to see my family together forever and to see my Aunt Dell again. 

Not that I am in any way alluding to my wish to have an untimely death. Just that I am happy with my life. I am working on continuing to be the person I want to be. I am excited to see my testimony grow and to be an instrument in the Lord's hands. If I have nothing else constant to hold onto in a world where I am tossed and turned, I am thankful for the Gospel. I am thankful for my testimony. For when I think I have nothing, I know I have everything.